Kevin Bass

Foreground, front center: The Basstache. Background: Kevin Bass.

Why we like him: I don't remember a whole lot about Kevin Bass, but I do remember his pristine and finely manicured mustache. That was some serious lip spinach. He wasn't much of a hitter, but I bet that cookie duster was a major intimidation factor for any pitcher in the league. It was almost like that upper lip plume was drawn onto his face by the baseball gods themselves. And it looked so good in contrast with those hideous '80s Astros uniforms.

Little-known facts about Kevin Bass's lip-tickler, a.k.a. the "Basstache."

• Kevin Bass was a career .270 hitter. The Basstache batted 1.004.
• Kevin Bass made the All Star team in 1986. The Basstache invented the All Star team.
• Kevin Bass never led the league in anything. The Basstache always led the league in everything.
• Kevin Bass was traded to the Giants. The Basstache was a giant.
• Kevin Bass swatted 118 home runs in 14 years. The Basstache would make you run home and hide for 14 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Bass, ballplayer.